


Ryan's Demons Are Real

by InsecurelyPerfect



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, anorexia trigger warning, eating disorder warning, im so so sorry, im sorry, it gets b a d, mm this is so bad, post mortem started it, then it goes on for a couple of weeks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-15 20:32:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17535761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsecurelyPerfect/pseuds/InsecurelyPerfect
Summary: okay i know what the title sounds like -- this is not at all that.he's battling inside demons.don't mind me just projecting my eating disorder onto ryan ;( im really sorryi deal with this stuff by putting it into stories and i felt like this was a good way to deal with ituhthis is deeply upsetting, and not pro at all.no one knows, it gets better, but it's not fun and i am so sorry i just need to get this out here.some of the things mentioned are what i do, and they do get explained later.i am so sorry. this is rated E for the sole purpose of what this is about, the boys are just friends in this.





	Ryan's Demons Are Real

**Author's Note:**

> ryan has real demons inside him  
> or; author has an eating disorder and deals with it in extremely unhealthy ways and cant get help

It started as an accident, of course. He would never intentionally put himself in such a position.

The fans would freak, and Shane would probably stop talking to him. Thankfully, no one picked up on it. Not until after a particularly long and bad night.

It was during one of their Post Mortem episodes that the questions had been brought to life. It wasn't the first time anyone had ever made a comment about his body. He got comments from his coworkers at BuzzFeed all the time. Subtle ones. Never to his face. They would leave his desk with post its filled with kind words, telling him he should eat some more. Some would ask him out for lunch. They would also mentioned how they were worried about his thinning frame, some would leave some food on his desk. That, Ryan was used to. People dancing around his obvious problem, one that no one would name because he hadn't said anything.

However, this was entirely different. Shane had chose the questions for them to answer while Ryan had been at the gym. He read the words, and he felt his heart come to a screeching halt. There was no way, no reason people should have picked up on this. But they did, and Ryan wanted to escape.

"This next question is from Gram City by thetrueghoul. 'Hey, Ry. Noticed you've been looking a little paler and thinner lately. You doing okay? Also, what were those marks on your arm during the episode?'" To Shane, this was a joke. "Yeah," he smirked. "What were those marks on your arm?"

Ryan's fight or flight response was screaming at him to flee. They couldn't know. He forced a chuckle, trying to lock his legs so he didn't get up and run. There'd be a punishment for that later, he promised himself. "It -- it was nothing. Just trying to see how tall I was when I was ten, you know? Where I would come up to myself at different ages?" He sounded so unsure of himself.

Shane looked at him suspicious, like he wasn't buying it. Crap, crap, crap, crap. Maybe he should just tell Shane about his eating disorder. He was thrilled the fans thought he was looking skinnier, but he also didn't want them to know. Prying, Shane mentioned, "You didn't answer the second part of the question." A fire lit in Ryan's eyes and his gaze drawled to where Shane was was now staring at him with concern. "Ryan?"

"I -- I don't know why people think I'm skinnier. I'm not. My weight has been steady, maintained, and healthy for years," he lied. A time when he was in the hospital crossed his mind. They didn't tell his family, nor did they make him tell any of his friends. He was alone the whole time. That was his lowest weight, and he missed it so much. He thought for a second before adding, "Also, my weight is none of anyone's business."

Shane's curious eyes pried away from the upset man. He'd mostly picked the question just to tease Ryan, not realizing he would react like that. Upon seeing how upset his friend was getting, Shane quickly brought up the next question.

Ryan wasn't calm the rest of the video. He wanted to leave that question out of the entire video, but when Shane saw it was missing, he told Ryan to include it. He did so begrudgingly. What he was expecting even _less_ than that question was the response it got.  It was all he saw for weeks.  He couldn't even escape it because people were DMing people like Sara and Jen, Helen and Zach.  They thought they were doing right by him, but all of it made Ryan sink further into his shell.

Ryan had been fighting his anorexia for a few years by this point.  This only fueled the voice in his head.  And he had never told anyone.  Not even his best friend, Shane Madej.  With their fans commenting all being about his well being, the fights being started.  Whether he looked healthy or not.  The people who claimed he couldn't possibly have anorexia made his heart ache.  He had been diagnosed, he knew he had it.  Leaving the hospital meant nothing to him.  He had not been cured, and it was still something he dealt with every day.

\--

The following week, his arms looked thinner, his collarbones were more prominent, his face was more gaunt, his shirts were starting to hand off of him, and he was proud of the hipbones that were starting to jut out of his body.  It was twisted, he knew.  He couldn't help but smile.  He wanted to show them off so much, but he couldn't.

The thing was, he didn't truly want to recover.  It just wasn't for him, he supposed.

There were no issues that anyone would find, until that week's ghost hunting trip didn't go up on the Friday like it was supposed to.

It went up on Saturday.

And fifteen minutes into the video, it cut to black.  Then opened a camera on Shane, he had tears in his eyes, and he was sitting alone at the True Crime table.

"I have some. . .rather upsetting news."  Shane took a second, picking at his nails.  "Uh, Ryan fainted while we were on the location.  He's currently in the hospital.  He's pretty underweight right now.  He's awake, and we've spoken.  He's given me explicit confirmation I can tell you guys all of this. Um."

Shane was barely looking up at the camera now.  He was very focused on his nails.  The video was uncut.  "He didn't want to leave you guys with nothing, and he told me that I should still upload it, where we left.  He was rushed to the hospital immediately after fainting.  He's been in the eating disorder unit since then, he's getting some help.  He told me he fainted because he hadn't eaten in five days.  He didn't want to worry any of you, but this is something he's tired of hiding.  Please don't worry, he's getting help."

Shane was staring off into the distance.  "Um," he started quietly, "this isn't the end of BuzzFeed Unsolved until he gets help though.  That's not at all the case.  We're going to have to cut this Supernatural season short because of the fact that Ryan can't travel anywhere, but his team said that as long as he eats, we are allowed to film the True Crime series in the hospital.  So we're going to pick back up with True Crime next Friday, finish off the last couple episodes of the season, and then do as many True Crime as we did Supernatural and then do the same switch off, as long as Ryan's doing okay."  Shane's eyes were brimmed with tears the whole time.  He debated talking about the last thing that Ryan wanted him to say, he really wasn't happy with it, but he promised Ryan he would.  Shane's a man of his word.

"There is one last thing that Ryan wanted me to tell you guys.  The Post Mortem that started this all, where I brought up the marks on his arm.  He said that was how far apart his fingers were when he would do his arm checks.  And the marks on his forearms where how far he was able to get up his arm without his fingers not touching.  He said he usually wore long sleeve shirts to cover it up, but he just wasn't thinking that day."

The camera shut off.

\--

Ryan got flooded with get well messages, DM's, tweets, every way people could think to message him.  This time they told his family.

Ryan Bergara had anorexia.

He beat it.

**Author's Note:**

> god, guys, i am so sorry for all of this.  
> i've been really struggling lately and because of my parents i am not in a position to get help, it would honestly do way more harm than good, and i don't need that right now, so this is one of my coping mechanisms.  
> i dont know why im posting this i probably shouldnt be posting this but whatever.  
> im sorry.  
> ryan likely does not have an eating disorder but it just i saw it with him rather than shane idk  
> i need to stop projecting my shit like this oof


End file.
